What I am looking for in a candidate

Let's take a second and lay out what we want in a candidate. Who we elect is important. So important that most of us don't even bother to vote, uh that most of us voters spend maybe an hour deciding who to vote for, uh damn-it, it's important - trust me.

Ok, so what do we want from the person we will elect to run this country? Well what we want is really pretty simple. We're Americans, we don't expect to get everything (and we want it now too).

1. They grew up poor, born in a log cabin, raised themselves by their bootstraps.
   1. Growing up rich means they feel entitled and won't work for us.
   2. Growing up middle class means they're just like us - yuck.
2. They are brilliant. We want someone smart for this job.
   1. But not someone who used their brains to make a fortune, because then they are part of the system.
   2. But not someone who went in to business and did not make a fortune, because then they are a failure.
   3. But not someone who went in academia because then they become a know-it-all and we detest those.
   4. But not someone who did nothing with their intellect because then they're lazy.
3. They have experience. This is no place for on the job training.
   1. But they must not have spent a lot of time in politics because then they're part of the system.
   2. But the must show they have been able to accomplish great things in the system.
4. Every donation must be totally clean. Money can only be accepted from people who have no interest in the candidate or their issues.
5. Every policy they have is one I agree with. Everything important to me is important to them.
6. They never make mistakes. We must have perfection.
7. They learn from their mistakes - instantly and completely.
8. They don't campaign because that demeans the process.
9. They only discuss "the issues" and refuse to reply to rumors and falsehoods because that demeans the process.

Anything less than the above and you will be classified as a "typical politician" who is unworthy of our attention or vote. We know Democracy will work better when all candidates fit the above profile and we know if we refuse to accept the compromise and trade-offs inherent in our system today, we will magically get the system we fantasize about.

Got any others? If so, please add in a comment.